I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
