We're like a lot better than the average bears
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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