he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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