last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
