He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize