i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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