I just pynch a tree in the face
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just invented taco cereal.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
