He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I lost the right to judge tonight
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
