While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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