You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
