I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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