Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
