I'm lost and stupid without you.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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