textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize