I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
