When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
