Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
