Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
