there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
