I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
My bed smells like the plague
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
