Christians are straight up FREAKS
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize