Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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