I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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