GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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