onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
