Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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