If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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