I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Randomize
