My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Randomize