....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
