Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize