At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
