I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
