Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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