Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm jealous of your bromance
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
