Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
