Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
