Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
