no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
