Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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