This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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