Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
