So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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