I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
