My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Randomize
