Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
