I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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