Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
