I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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