Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
