Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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