hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
