i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
