I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
