tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
