I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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