Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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