i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Randomize
